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[personal profile] jesslla
My post about my cats and their weird food habits reminded me of this truly epic story an acquaintance of mine posted on another forum I'm on. Seriously, this dog ate *everything*.

The full story is here and I strongly urge you to not read this story when you're eating or when you'll have to explain why you're laughing so hard. Don't bother to send me bills for new keyboards or monitors, I have given you fair warning.

Teaser quotes:
My childhood pet was a beagle, and I am starting to suspect that beagles tend to be functionally retarded at the best of times. Adorable, big brown eyes, eager to please, total doggie derps with not two brain cells to knock together inside their empty little heads, beagles may be the canine world's Inbred Jeds. At least they are sweet-tempered beasts.


We tried for five years to train the dog. The only command she mastered semi-successfully was coming when called. She didn't always put two and two together and realize we were actually talking to her, but if you made eye contact, she would lumber over most of the time for some petting and ear-rubbing. The dog was just retarded beyond belief. I have owned smarter gerbils, and a typical gerbil has a brain the size of a frozen English pea.



By the time the dog was a year old, it was obvious that she wasn't plump from puppy fat, she was just fat. By the time she was two, she looked like two beagles glued together. By the time she was five, she was a barrel supported by four tiny furry toothpicks. We were baffled. The dog was on diet dog food, exercised, and she still ballooned in size. The Goodyear Mutt. Meanwhile, the cat didn't seem to ever gain much weight. Clever detective work revealed that the dog was just bright enough to wait until there were no human witnesses before eating the cat's food and then her own.

We started to feed the cat on top of the clothes dryer in the utility room. The dog started to eat the plastic dishes her food and water were served in. We switched to ceramic, and she managed to break and eat chunks of those, too. We finally moved on to thick metal bowls, and she was thwarted, but only for a while. She found other things to eat.

I could write a book about the bizarre things the dog managed to consume. We always considered it a miracle that she didn't ever eat our cat. Socks was a lot smarter than Brandy, however, and that may have been what saved her.



The dog ate a dead lightbulb.

The dog ate the air fern my mom had been fussing over that sat in a prominent place in the living room that you would never believe a fat dog could reach.

The dog ate entire rolls of toilet paper plus the toilet tube and the toilet roll spindle.


Go read the whole story. Now.

Date: 2008-11-13 07:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moonsend.livejournal.com
I just got done reading this: http://littera-abactor.livejournal.com/7748.html It too, is hysterical and about dogs eating funny things.

Date: 2008-11-13 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jesslla.livejournal.com
I read that ages ago, but I should reread it again.

Date: 2008-11-13 09:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spitgirl.livejournal.com
That was hilarious! Thanks for sharing with us.

May 2012

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